Who Should Manchester United Buy This Summer?

Expectations are still running high as I write. Having just beaten Spurs on penalties to win the League Cup, Manchester United own a four point lead atop the Premiership with a game in hand, are into the semi-finals of the F.A. Cup, and have just won a second leg at home to the Italian powerhouse Internatzionale Milano in the European Champions Cup round of sixteen. Already winners of the World Club Cup, United have a chance to win five trophies: aka ‘The Quintuplet.’ Thus, the fanatically vicious British press, with its unconditional love for successful London teams--which these days means Arsenal and Chelsea--is collectively sharpening its macheté, waiting, hoping and praying for the red devils to fail. This weekend's 4-1 loss at home to our arch-rivals Liverpool got the journos delirious with joy, but will, hopefully, be the collective bite of reality the team needs to keep it from going into the climax of the season in a state of complacency.

Failure, of course, is a relative concept. With ten games left to play in Premier League competition, the only minor stutter I can see happening is a loss or draw at home to Arsenal. Liverpool have beaten us home and away this season, but I'm confident we'll prevail in any upcoming competition. I can only see one team, Barcelona, being able to beat United. With their fixtures all jammed together during the last three weeks of the season, however, the club will touch wood and hope that there are relatively few injuries. I would be delirious just to clinch our third Premiership championship in a row. Repeating as European Champions Cup winners will not be easy. Winning a twelfth F.A. Cup would be nice, but is not even slightly imperative.

Rumours are always buzzing around United. The most serious one involves Cristiano Ronado and Real Madrid and has been going on for almost four years. United partisans point the finger at Real, the obese, greedy Billy Bunter of football, but it takes two to tango and three to make a bargain! Ronaldo and his agent seem to be constantly stirring the pot up, causing friction between both clubs. United have repeatedly rejected the chance to sell the tricky winger for around 75M pounds. The bad thing about this situation is that this season, and lately in particular, Ronaldo pouts a lot and plays like someone whose head is elsewhere. One thing is for sure, the rest of the team have performed well, whether the diva-like, moody Cristiano has made an effort, or not. If Real Madrid increase their bid to 100M, or throw in Sergio Ramos and/or Wesley Sneijder plus, say, 60M in cash, I would say that United would be making a good deal.

I'm going to go through the squad by position and see where help and changes might well be necessary. The old cliché, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, holds true; but, these days, the challenge for a man like Alex Ferguson, 67-years-young, after 22 seasons at Old Trafford, is to keep winning and leave a good squad for his chosen successor. Whether fans like it, or not, the Gaffer will tinker with the squad.

Goalkeepers: Edwin Van Der Sar, Thomas Kucszak, Ben Foster.
There's no rush to find a replacement here. Van Der Sar has signed for one last season and Foster just played an absolute blinder in the League Cup Final. Two out of three is good. Kucszak is big, but has many weaknesses including difficulties dealing with corners and taking charge of his area. I would happily sell him to a club who could use him like Zenith St. Petersburg, Tottenham Hotspur or Newcastle United. If the price is right, United should replace him with Sergio Asenjo from Real Vallodidad or Guillermo Ochoa of Club America.

Right Back: Rafael DaSilva, Wes Brown, Gary Neville, John O'Shea.
We're all set here. Rafa has been sensational in his rookie year. Wes Brown, when he's not injured, gives very good coverage at RB or CB. Gaz Neville, being the natural nurturer, will be an excellent coach for the other two.

Centre Back: Rio Ferdinand, Nemanja Vidic, Jonny Evans, Wes Brown, John O'Shea.
United have an embarrassment of riches at C.B. Jonny Evans has proven himself to be a fine replacement for the two oft-injured hard men, Rio and Nemanja. The newspaper rumor mills have A.C. Milan buying Vidic for 20M in the summer. This would be crazy. Vidic is absolutely the best centre back in the world at the moment. No other defender even comes close. He was favourite with the bookies for both English and European Footballer of the Year awards until Fernando Torres gave him fits this weekend. If A.C.Milan or Inter really want to bring some youth to their geriatric defense, they need to offer the club at least 50M!!! I still wouldn't sell him.

Left Back: Patrice Evra, Fabio DaSilva, John O'Shea.
Did I say an 'embarrassment of riches?' Well, Evra and DaSilva are so good; I have to say it twice. Evra is the best left back in the world, but Rafa's twin, Sergio, may well make Pat feel his hot breath on his neck. Sensational Sergio: Last week the kid hit a hat-trick playing left back for the reserves.

Right Wing: Cristiano Ronaldo, Lee Martin, Park Ji-Sung.
Well, will he or won't he? As I've said: I believe that Cristiano, after a disappointing season, has reached his optimum sell-by date. Sell him for 100m! Or, 60M and Sergio Ramos and Wesley Sneijder.* Parky is a great water-carrier, an energy machine. Lee Martin hasn't played much, and despite his having lots of potential, I expect him to be sold. Look for the club to buy at least one winger.

Midfield: Michael Carrick, Paul Scholes, Anderson, Darren Fletcher, Ryan Giggs, Darron Gibson, Jonathan Possebon.
There is no other club in Europe with so many talented midfielders. Scholes will be good for one last season and Giggs possibly two now that he's been moved inside from the left wing. The main chink in United's armour, however, shows itself when Anderson and Fletcher are hurt. Both have been converted from attacking midfielders to defenders, yet neither one is defense-oriented. A hard-core, rugged defensive midfielder is a genuine need.* Should Ramos come as part of a Ronaldo deal, the problem will be solved because he can play as a fullback, centre back or post-to-post midfielder. Alternatives in the rumour mix are Javier Martínez of Atletico Bilbao or Axel Witsel of Standard Liége. Don't forget that 17-year-old, baby-faced Adam Ljajic, the so-called 'Baby Ronaldinho,' bought from Partizan Belgade, will arrive in January 2010. The injury-prone Owen Hargreaves has had both wonky knees operated on. So much for what the Gaffer insisted was 'tendonitis.' We look forward to his successful return(touch wood!)

Left Wing: Nani, Park ji-Sung, Zoran Tosic, Ryan Giggs.
Two things are certain. Ryan Giggs can no longer play a whole match on the wing. Nani has scored a few brilliant goals and made a few nice crosses. The problem is his maddening inconsistency. Too many aimless dribbles. Too many bad passes. Worse, he is very easily wound up by the opposition and seems to pick up quite pointless yellow cards, again and again.

Strikers: Carlos Tevez, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck, Alberto Manucho, Dmitar Berbatov, Frazier Campbell.
Again, here we have an embarrassment of riches. Manucho and Campbell are both out on loan, although neither seems to be setting the division on fire at Stoke City or Spurs. Welbeck is very poised, but skinny and easily jostled off the ball by determined defenders. Carlos Tevez is a delight. A real grafter! The last player I want to leave. There are, however, too many complications and difficulties involving finances and club rights when it comes to dealing with Carlitos' owner/agent, Kia Joorabchian. Come Summer, although I say my prayers every night before I go to bed, I'm certain he will be gone. This leaves Wazza Rooney and the iconic, albeit brilliant Dimitar Berbatov to handle all the pressure. New names in the mix are Ezequiel Lavezzi, Karim Benzema, David Villa, Takayuki Morimoto and Mario Gomez.

Here's a list of names in the rumor mill with a short analysis of their skills, attributes and negatives. Get back to me about what you think :

Goalkeepers:
Sergio Asenjo: 6'2", Age: 22, Club: Real Vallodidad.
Asenjo had his best game ever against Real Madrid on November 3. He made 47 saves as Vallodidad held on to a 0-1 lead at the Bernabeu. He has kept goals for Spain in the Under-17, Under-19 and Under-21 teams. Tall and powerful in the air, always aggressively in charge of his area, and able to make long kicks, Asenjo will soon be challenging Liverpool's Pepe Reina for the #2 job in the national team. Barcelona have dithered about paying 6M for him. At that price he would be a bargain for United.
Ivor rating *****

Guillermo Ochoa: 6'0", Age: 23. Club: Club America.
I watch nearly as much Mexican football as I do Premiership matches. The general quality of the players is not great. As such, Ochoa is absolutely an athletic, cat-like standout. He is brave and aggressive with very safe hands. He has looked very good in internationals also. Of course, it is impossible to know how good Ochoa is until he plays in Europe. Unfortunately, his team are asking for around 10M for him, which is a little too expensive.
Ivor rating ***

Diego Lopez: 6'5", Age: 27, Club: Villareal.
Lopez was Iker Casillas' understudy at Real Madrid, through the academy and then for seven years in the first team. Gossip says that the Gaffer is absolutely besotted with the 6'5" Lopez. Perhaps he's reminded of Peter Schmeichel, but if you watch enough Spanish football you'll know that he tends to be very erratic, letting himself get pulled out of position and is none too communicative with his defense. To be fair, I've also seen him be untouchable on good days, but he's just not consistent enough and hard-bargaining Villareal will want 10 to 12M for him.
Ivor rating **

Defensive Midfielders:
Miguel Veloso: 6'2", Age 22, Club: Sporting Lisbon
Veloso is the real deal. Tall and quick. Tough tackling. A superb passer of the ball. He has all the tools to be United's supreme midfield commander and follow in the footsteps of Roy Keane and Bryan Robson. The downside is that the boy likes his food and doesn't enjoy training. The rumour is that he did not get along with the then Portugal national coach, Luiz Felipe Scolari, over the training issue. Sporting are asking for a whopping 21M, or else Arsene Wenger would have snapped him up already.
Ivor rating ***

Javier Martínez: 6'5", Age: 22, Club: Atletico Bilbao
I don't usually gush over really tall players, but Martínez is an extraordinary tackler with a fine sense of balance. A fantastic, energetic post-to-post player, masterful at the long pass, equally at home attacking or defending, I believe he's going to be a star for whoever picks him up and, as his buyout clause is set at 6M, think he'd be a great buy for United.
Ivor rating *****

Axel Witsel: 6'0", Age: 20, Club: Standard Liége

My son and I saw him play for Standard in a summer friendly and his class was there for all to see. Great short and long passing, ball control and tackling. He's master of all he sees in midfield. A little too skinny right now, Witsel will grow into stardom.
Ivor rating ***

Douglas Costa: 5'7", Age: 18
I've seen him play twice for Brazil's Under-21 team. He's very poised and has lots of moves, surprise passes and clever flicks going on. The problem is that he's slight and easy to shove off the ball for opponents. Gremio supposedly want 12M, which is a lot for someone who still needs a lot of preparation and seasoning and might turn out to be the second coming of Kleberson!
Ivor rating **

Attacking Midfielders:
Bruno Pereirinha: 5'8", Age: 21, Club: Sporting Lisbon
At a club full of fancy foot workers, Pereirinha sticks out because he's a plain, meat-and-potatoes utility footballer. Equally at home on the right wing or in central midfield, Pereirinha can also fill in at right back. He's got good deft footwork, good balance and speed. He is very slight, however, and would need building up. Expensive at 10M!
Ivor rating ***

Simon Vukcevic: 5'11", Age: 23, Club: Sporting Lisbon
Like Zoran Tosic, Vukcevic is a product of Partizan Belgrade's youth system. He is lightning quick, brave and a far better passer than Nani or Ronaldo. The only problem is that he has a constant, diva-like urge to act out mini on-field dramas, which, although they may be part and parcel of the game in Portugal are considered repellent in the Premier League.
Ivor rating **

Nicólas Bertolo: 5'8", Age: 23, Club: Atletico Banfield
Extremely skilled and brave, Bertolo can play on either wing or inside. He looks fantastic on YouTube, but, then, so did Naní. Argentine players tend to be durable and determined. Well worth a gamble if his club don't want more than 8M.
Ivor rating ***

Luís Antonio Valencia: 5'11", Age: 23, Club: Wigan Athletic

Valencia came to England under a cloud after the Ecuador squad he starred in at the 2006 World Cup was accused of taking a collective dive against England. His play at Wigan Athletic has been tremendous, however. A durable left winger with good crossing skills, Valencia has turned out to be everything Nani promised to be but failed to deliver. Not cheap at 15M, though.

Ivor rating***

Alexis Sanchez: 5'6", Age: 20, Club: Udinese
Small and worryingly slight, this Chilean wonder-kid has all the tools, quick feet like Ronaldo and a willingness to take on defenders. IF Cristiano Ronaldo leaves, Sanchez is seen by the Gaffer as the closest like-for-like replacement. Expensive at app. 20M.
Ivor rating **

Rafael Van Der Vaart: 5'9", Age: 26, Club: Real Madrid

If Real really are going to have a fire sale to raise money to buy the overpriced galactico stars their hearts desire like Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo, Xabi Alonso, David Silva, David Villa and Carlos Tevez, the adaptable Van Der Vaart might be worth picking up. Injury-prone, he is nevertheless comfortably able to play both on the wing or inside when he is fit. His long-distance shooting abilities and corner-taking could also prove to be useful. He is, however, similar to Michael Carrick, and, even at 'fire sale' prices will still be relatively expensive at around 10M.
Ivor rating **

Strikers:
Ezequiel Lavezzi: 5'8", Age: 23, Club: Napoli

This kid is really good. Great balance and a very good ball handler. He can play as a second striker or on the wing. Unfortunately, perhaps because he plays at Napoli and is so popular there, the press unfairly refer to the young Argentine as 'the next Maradona!' Don't believe the hype. If Napoli really are asking for 20M, I don't think he's for us. He's good, but not that good, so far.
Ivor rating**

Takayaki Morimoto: 5'11", Age: 20, Club: Catania
He's Japanese, good-looking, big, durable and energetic according to a Korean friend of mine. Doubtless, he also offers up endless opportunity for United's marketing people. A free-scoring, old-fashioned center-forward in Serie A, he may well be a bargain if priced less than 9M.
Ivor rating***

Mario Gomez: 6'3", Age: 23, Club: VhB Stuttgart
This big bruiser has been hyped as the next big thing for two Bundesliga seasons now. He's a big scorer with all the tools an old-school centre forward could want and is particularly comfortable, like Ruud Van Nistelrooy, with his back to the goal. VhB supposedly want 35M for him and that sounds outrageous for a player who has thus far choked for both the German national team at the ENC and for his club in the ECC.
Ivor rating **

Walter: 5'10", Age 19, Club: Internacional de Alegre
Big and bulky, yet quick, according to the journos, Walter was recently the surprise star for the Brazilian national youth team at the South American Under-19 tournament. Although most of the European scouts had come to watch Douglas Costa, it was Walter who drew the raves. The major down side for him seems to be an Adriano-like predilection for overdoing it at the buffet table and with the ladies. Who knows with Brazilian kids? United's previous bit of business netted them the sensational Silva twins. It's a crap-shoot.
Ivor rating: **

Karim Benzema: 6'0", Age 21, Club: Olympique Lyonnais
Here's a striker everybody wants because he's got all the tools: Height, bulk, ball-handling skills, courage and a surfeit of confidence. Still, dealing with O.L.'s chair/owner Jean-Pierre Aulas seems to be traumatic for clubs and agents alike. Supposedly Aulas wants a young striker plus 45M in a preferred swap deal. He is very good, but he does not exactly carry Olympique on his back. I believe he's slightly overrated and absolutely overpriced.
Ivor rating **

Luis Suarez: 5'10", Age 23, Club: Ajax Amsterdam

Ajax don't seem to have missed Jan Klaas Huntelaar even a bit since they sold him. This Uruguayan striker has the verve, physical presence, skill and goal poaching acumen that breaks down defenses. Nay sayers, considering the likes of Huntelaar and Alfonso Alves who have failed after leaving the Netherlands, may be right. I'm very impressed by him, however. His aggressive style and combative nature get the lad lots of yellow cards. I see a fighter, a rooster ready to go to war like RVN. I think he's the kind of player our Gaffer adores. He'd be 12M well spent.
Ivor rating ****

David Villa: 5'7", Age 27, Club: Valencia
Villa is pure class. Absolutely the best. Recklessly brave, with a fantastic ability to hold on to the ball, he is a perfect partner for Fernando Torres in the Spain national team. He's worth the 45M Valencia want for him. Problem is: He's not leaving Spain, So forgeddaboudit!
Ivor rating ****

Let me know what you think!

Oral Learning With the Pakamac Heiress

Fellatio first happened for me in 1967. 

Frederika, (aka Freddie) was reading Anaís Nin, 

listening to the Doors. Rich girl.

Hale Barns girl. Resplendent
in the cotton puffery of gingham smock mini-dresses,

thick wool tights, blocky black shoes spit-shined 

by Berengeria,  the Portuguese au paire.  Freddie, 

sweet, not because it was her nature, au contraire,

but because she sprayed Paco Rabanne in her shoes 

and in her knickers, in the hair down there.

In retrospect, I can sincerely say, Anais
was not a good teacher, Freddie wasn’t very good,
she just nibbled away, her tiny mouth 

opening and closing,  her beautiful rich girl’s teeth 

sharp and definitely in the way.
I called my dick Field Marshall Von Runstedt in those days.
Why I cannot say. But, applaudably curious,
She would talk to the opening, dig a nail into a vein,
squeeze it every which way. Put on a fraulein accent,
ask what der Field Marshall had to say.

We had talked about it for weeks.
I had religiously consumed
glucose lollipops, honeyed yogurt and
a pint of pineapple juice per day.
To make my sperm taste sweet,
doing it in Anais' Parisian way.
The truth was that she didn’t see me as person, just a
good-looking, non-complaining utilitarian piece of meat 

in frighteningly tight jeans, pretty, pouty and poor.
 A hard-on with a foot-high Isro, ready to play.

So my parents went to see Manchester City.
My dad winked when he drove away.
And Freddie undressed me, giggling, giggling, giggling
cuffing my penis in a boxer speed-bag sort of way.
Laughing, nibbling, unwilling to spit.
When I came, she said, “I-eeeew!”
And I cleaned it from her eyelid with my thumb.
She said my spunk smelled like high-tide at Blackpool,
Tasted like Finnan Haddie*. I felt insulted,
and I never let her give me head again.

—Ivor Irwin

* Finnan Haddie: Smoked herring from Scotland

Adeus, Patrão!

I’m already getting emails from friends in Brazil. They are very disappointed that Luiz Felipe Scolari was fired by Chelsea. There was a lot of hope that Scolari’s success would open the gates for other Brazilian coaches to ply their wares in Europe. So far, when the Brazilian national team wins the World Cup or the Confederations championship, it is seen by a fickle public as one more triumph for their brilliant flair players. My friend Carlinhos put it this way: “When we win, our players take all the credit. When we lose our coaches get blamed.”

Yet strategy and organization are absolutely a key component of Brazil's successes. As in any country, Brazilian coaches have worked hard to perfect a balance between attack and defense. After all, who created the back four? Bela Gutmann may take credit in his memoirs, but he happened to dream it up while coaching in Brazil. Whoever and whenever is less important, however, than the fact of its implementation. The bottom line was that at least one of the wingers needed to drop back and help out in midfield.

Brazil's brilliant 1970 team meant to retain possession forever. When the ball got taken away, however, Utopianism fell by the wayside and Mario Zagallo's boys retreated behind Tostão. 4-5-1 was born. This concept of five players in the middle, running a whirling dervish of a revolving 'diamond,' not only demands flair and adaptability from players, it also requires an innate intelligence and an ability to improvise.

The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. Let the collective competitive World Cup record speak for itself. Germany and Brazil have each played 92 games, but Brazil, surprisingly to some, have conceded far fewer goals. This is why they have won the tournament five times.

Consider this also. The best Brazilian players all tend to have left for Europe by the time they have turned eighteen. Access to the best mature players is a perk Brazilian coaches no longer have access to. Consequently, the scales have tipped. Denied the most exquisite talent, coaches have become much more decisive figures in the domestic leagues. The pluralistic vision of a smart, savvy coach is more important than it's ever been. All those fair-to-middling players, once condemned to careers combating relegation, playing in the more physical second division and early retirement to jobs as coaches, now have hope.

Consider how European teams have counted the cost of this new status quo. In 2005, Sao Paolo beat Liverpool with a display of tar-baby style absorption and quick counterattacking in the World Club Cup Competition. The next season Barcelona took the same treatment from Internacional. The coaches, the peripatetic, Paolo Autori, and the zen-calm Abel Braga, had their players performing in a ruthless, disciplined manner that belies every Brazilian stereotype. Nine men played behind the ball. Passing was short. The tackling was meaty and for keeps. Each team won by a single breakaway goal.

Kudos to these coaches indeed. Yet another problem presents itself here. Brazilians are all for tourists. Yet they don't like gringos playing football in their leagues. In Brazil, Gringo is the unfortunate word of choice for all foreigners. A number of players from Argentina and Paraguay in particular have played in Brazil and are constantly, relentlessly booed. It's not an issue of race, though. Black players like Faustino Asprilla from Colombia have not been welcomed, either. "A Gringo is a gringo is a gringo!" insists Carlinhos. "Foreigners can come here and sleep with our women, but we will not countenance cheeky, arrogant Gringos polluting our beautiful game." Yes, indeed, even superstar players, from neighboring countries, like Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascharano for Corinthians and that nice Jewish mensch from Buenos Aíres, Juan Pablo Sorin of Cruzeiro, are classed as Gringos" and booed.

It's all a bit ironic, especially considering the cultural and ethnic diversity that Scolari had to deal with at Chelsea. Big Phil, as the nasty English press love to call him (Every coach has to have at least one Fleet Street nickname), has always succeeded as a coach because he has a lot of guile and a natural ability to motivate player squads. Sometimes, however, this is not enough. The shortest simplest explanation may be that he had a hard time chatting with such a diverse group of players because, previously, he has always exclusively relied upon his dexterity with the Portuguese language. Still, the amount of time he spent with the club seems incredibly brief, especially considering that all this took place before Scolari got the opportunity to coach before the knockout phase of the European Champions Cup.

What hurt Scolari in particular was his inability to motivate the brilliant, but incredibly sensitive striker Didier Drogba. A number of unnamed players told The Guardian reporter, Barney Ronay, that the last thing they were looking for was a new dad. This father-figure persona did not go down well in London. Felipe in particular, likes to play the grand Brasilenho patrao. Indeed, Dunga, the Brazil National team coach and former longtime team captain, is well known for criticizing the national compulsion with fixing the societal problem of absent fathers.

When Brazil won the World Cup in 2002, Don Felipe was absolutely the undisputed patrao of what was referred to as "Scolari's family". By comparison, in Italy, France, England, Spain and Germany, as Juninho Pernambucano says of his manager at Olympique Lyonnais, Louis Puel, "I love this man because he treats me as a professional."

Scolari also made the mistake of picking out some transfer targets with difficult reputations. It was all bound to upset the higher highers at Chelsea, especially their Russian mobster oligarch owner, Roman Abramovich. Scolari pined for Robinho, the thumb sucker with an affinity for, at best, rough sex, or at worse, rape. Robinho is a fine, flair footballer, but, as they've found to their cost at Santos, Real Madrid and Manchester City, he needs a team of psychiatrists to accompany him wherever he goes. He also lobbied for the alcoholic Adriano, another one with an affinity for violence against women. Juninho Pernambucano was the leader he wanted for the midfield, but the Chief Executive, Abramovich's lick spittle, Peter Kenyon, wanted nothing to do with coughing up 15M in pound notes for a 37-year-old. Kenyon compromised, however, and allowed Scolari to bring in Deco, Jose Bosingwa, Ricardo Quaresma and Mineiro, a plodding 34-year-old Brazilian midfielder recently put out to pasture by Werder Bremen who loves his patrão. Save for the star Portugal right back, Bosingwa, his other purchases have flopped.

This insecure need to use old favorites and compatriots definitely telegraphed the wrong idea to the club's thuggish owner. Still, to be fair, coaches who want to deliberately create cliques to divide and rule the clubhouse are asking for trouble. Scolari seemed, to all intents and purposes, unwilling to embrace a wide, wicked gringo world.

Since being fired and paid off to the tune of, depending on the source, 7, 18 or 21M, Felipe Scolari moans that his Chelsea team was not capable of "thinking Brazilian" enough. This is a bizarre point for Scolari to make considering he was made his name in the mid-90s coaching practical and ruggedly functional winning football teams in Gremio and Palmeiras. Perhaps the problem was that, although he was cosmopolitan in a Brazilian and Portuguese sense, he simply wasn't cosmopolitan enough in a European sense.

Still, Don Felipe's resumé is absolutely fantastic. His seven months at Chelsea may, ultimately, prove fortuitous. The old macho may now be mentally better tooled to coach another team in the Premiership or La Liga. If the brilliant Scolari has learned from his mistakes, he may yet succeed and be the one who opens the door for his colleagues back home to charge through.

For Elsie

Each night
before I get some kip
I think about
Ebola, Al-Qaida, starving Sudanese,
Barack Obama, pornography and war.

That way
I’m not thinking about You!

—Ivor Irwin

Dear Yahweh

Dear Yahweh, can’t wait to be a burden on my kids.
Long long time, they’ve cumbered me
So, soon they'll deliver and carry
Bleach and clean and scrub-a-dub-dub.
And do it happily.

No Sun City for me. No old folks warehouse, please
No special strangers tossing me
like some smelly old sack of shit.
Each must take turns putting me up
in a sunny parlor, so’s I don’t have to climb
to the top of the stairs. A nice
glimmering walk-in bath with handles installed
A minor cost..... Yours, of course.

The purpose of children is insurance
A girded codpiece against the testicle-kicks of mean daddy time
A guarantee. Insurance.
Yeah, that’s what kid s are all about!
Bring them up in your own image, knowing that they
Owe you and oughtn't just farm you out

I’ve spent all the money on schooling and clothing.
Attended the ceremonies and soccer practices,
Cheered for you religiously at your games.
Knowing that, once you’re earning, you’ll be gone.
Only recreatable in photographic shrines,
Discount baby-sitting, birthday parties,
Christmas present competition and good Thanksgiving wine!

It's been a blessing.
Really!
Now Lordy Lord Yahweh, dude.
I’m gonna be a burden on my children
Yes. And on my children's children too.


—Ivor Irwin

Miguel Cotto Gets His Respect Back: Jennings Out of His League

February 21, 2009

Guts is sometimes just not enough. Preston's own Michael Jennings is a brave lad with a lot of bottle; unfortunately, he just wasn’t endowed with enough ring craft to prevent Miguel Cotto from regaining the World Welterweight title at Madison Square Garden on Saturday night. At 31, having avoided a fight with Cotto for close to two years, Jennings may keep boxing, but surely this was his last hurrah with the big boys.

The affable veteran Welsh coach Brian Hughes and a vast supportive apparatus of investors, trainers and hangers-on have always kept Jennings tightly wrapped in cotton-wool, somehow managing to keep the cash register ringing without ever going for the gusto against experienced, highly rated pros. Tonight, however, Michael Jennings’ chickens came home to roost. A former British Welterweight champion, Jennings, now 34-2 (16 KOs), in his first fight ever outside the UK, was not even close to a match for the immaculate Puerto Rican, Miguel Cotto. The sleek Cotto, in his first match since being stopped by Antonio Margarito in the 11th round of a brutal nail-biter last July, was ready.

Puerto Ricans tend to use a lot of hyperbole. Miguel Cotto, the kid from Cagüas, a star at the Bairoa Gym since he was six-years-old is, I’m told, the greatest pound-for-pound fighter from La Isla since: a) Felix ‘Tito’ Trinidad, 2) Hector ‘Macho’ Camacho, or, 3) Wilfredo Benitez. My mother-in-law, Marina, who’s from Juncos, loves Tito forever for raining on glamor boy Oscar De LaHoya’s parade. I love defensive skills, so I tend to go for Wilfredo because he was the best slipper of punches I ever saw.

Anyway, Miguel Cotto is no longer on the outside looking in. He is behind the door and he has a vice grip on the handle. A silver medalist at the 2000 Olympics, Cotto turned pro in 2001 and on September 11, 2004, out pointed Kelson Pinto to win the WBO Junior Welterweight Championship. Suffering to maintain a low weight after six knockout wins, he vacated that title and moved up to the Welterweight division. After stopping Carlos Quintana to win the WBA Welterweight crown, Cotto successfully defended against what the legendary coach Angelo Dundee has hyperbolized as being the ‘greatest generation’ of Welterweights ever, stopping Quintana, Oktay Urkel, Zab Judah, the brilliant Shane Mosley, and Alonso Goméz.

His only loss, to Antonio Margarito, turned out to be a fiasco after the fact, as Margarito was caught using doctored hand-wraps (what Ring magazine referred to as “an illegal plaster-like substance") under his gloves before his first defense of the title against Shane Mosley. Suspended from boxing for at least a year, the now infamous Margarito will surely be subject to strict supervision and many difficulties before he gets to box again. Thus, tonight, Cotto stepped into the ring ready to unite the WBA and WBO titles.

Jennings entered the ring first, bouncing up and down to the Sex Pistols’ punk anthem 'Anarchy in the UK.' Jennings, used to a traveling army of 2,000 English loyalist fans accompanying him, wherever he fights in England, walked into a chorus of boos from a partisan pro-Cotto, mostly Puerto Rican crowd of 9,000. The English contingent were not shy about singing their bawdy songs, but Los Boricuas were not to be outdone. This was the best atmosphere I’ve seen at Madison Square Garden in at least twenty years.

The opening round was a tit for tat affair. Jennings worked hard at keeping a safe distance while Cotto dance-stepped around the center of the ring, taking his measure. Jennings threw very few clean punches, five jabs at most, but Cotto’s was the first telling blow, his short left upper cut catching the Englishman on the chin midway through round two. With 30 seconds to go in the same round, Cotto launched a furious barrage which forced Jennings on to the ropes, although the Englishman managed to tie him up inside for the last 10 seconds. Jennings continued to attack in the third round, throwing out jab after jab, although very few landed cleanly. Cotto, cocked and continually crouched down low, waited to pounce at opportune moments, landing a lot of tight, short body shots.

The left hook Jennings caught at the start of the fourth proved to be the beginning of the end. By the middle of the round, Jennings started to bruise. Cotto pummeled him back into his corner with a left hook and then, after throwing a string of unchallenged one-twos, put Jennings down for the first time with another crunching left hand body shot.

The 31-year-old took the full count before springing back up, but , after retreating across the ring, he was quickly downed again in the opposite corner, the victim of yet another sweeping Cotto left hook to the body.

Jennings barely survived the round, but it was pretty comical to see Cotto jumping up and down in his corner thinking the contest was already over. Luckily, his trainer pushed his mouthpiece back in before Cotto managed to spit it out. When the bell for the fifth rang, Cotto flew out of his corner in panther fashion. A left jab rocked Jennings' head back. Still up for it, Jennings’ John Bull bottle overcame common sense as he anemically tried to match Cotto’s punches. Then Cotto exploded, all action as he sent Jennings careering into the ropes with a wicked right to the head, followed by an equally awesome left uppercat.

One last booming bazooka of a right to the Brit’s head ended it as Jennings went down on his knee again. Jennings’ glazed eyes made contact with his trainer, Brian Hughes, who was having none of it. Hughes wind-milled his arms, trying to will the groggy Englishman to stand up. And Jennings did indeed stagger, rubber-legged, into a standing position but the referee, Benji Estevez, had seen enough damage done after three knockdowns to call the fight off.

"Cotto's a bloody great fighter," Jennings said after the fight. "The hardest puncher I’ve faced. He was very deceiving. You think you're out of his range but then he strikes. I thought I had distance from his firepower."

A deliriously happy Cotto, delighted at his truncated night's work, felt vindicated after suffering from his only pro defeat to Margarito. “Getting back into the ring and being able to study my opponent for the first couple of rounds tonight was great," Cotto said. "I started to go to the body and then the head. Third round I let my hands go and I just threw my punches."

"Cotto's the complete fighter in every sense of the word," Coach Hughes told me, all breathless with admiration after the fight. "Cotto really put the ring down on Michael. He's such a great fighter.”

Later, Jennings announced at the press conference that he was going to urge Hughes to get him a rematch. This would be foolish. I like all those Brit gangster movies like Layer Cake and Sexy Beast. Jennings looks like he'd make an excellent bodyguard for some cinema gangster. I think he should take acting lessons because, on tonight's evidence, he really ought to retire.

The Ultimate Dummy Brummies

This one is for Will Ansell and Gerry Kelsall, tragic victim of Villa. On to victory, Walsall! While you're away from the Motherland, work on your Urdu, lads!
Instead of coming up with an all-era Villa team, as requested, I made up collection of the best players ever from the Birmingham area teams. Terry Hennessey may have been the most underrated midfielder ever!

Billy Wright

Gil Merrick

The Best of the Best
Gil Merrick (G)
Don Howe (RB)
Billy Wright (CB)
Ronnie Flowers (CB)
Steve Staunton (LB)
Terry Hennessey (DMF)
Bryan Robson (DMF)
Archie Gemmill (AMF)
Willie Johnston (LW)
Trevor Francis (ST)
Andy Grey (ST)

Team #2
Phil Parkes (G)
Derek Parkin (RB)
Paul McGrath (CB)
Joleon Lescott (CB)
Stephen Warnock (LB)
Norman Deeley (RW)
Ray Barlow (DMF)
Tony Brown (DMF)
David Wagstaffe (LW)
Steve Bull (ST)
Cyrille Regis (ST)

Team #3
Bill Glazier (G)
Ray Ranson (RB)
Roger Hynd (CB)
Bryan Sharples (CB)
Mark 'Psycho' Dennis (LB)
Malcolm Page (DMF)
Peter Broadbent (RW)
Paul Merson (AMF)
Bertie Auld (AMF)
Ronnie Allen (ST)
Geoff Astle (ST)